9 'ings' which are doomed to failure

1.  Borrowing 'War and Peace' from the library
2.  Buying yourself a 'Teach yourself Mandarin' book
3.  Pouring milk from the dreaded silver minimal spout jugs bizarrely favored by 63% of cafe owners
4.  Texting whilst drunk
5.  Spending £100+ on the tank, filter and aquatic furniture to accommodate the goldfish the kids won at the funfair 'hook a duck' stall
6.  Mentally spending the £100 million Euromillions jackpot two hours before the draw actually happens
7.  Utilising irony at an airport
8.  Confirming your bank details by e-mail
9.  Doing the weekly shop hungry