9 'ings' its wrong to do with kids present, but you'd be fundamentally weird if you didn't

1. Swearing
2. Drinking
3. Farting
4. Belching - with added points if you then effortlessly segue into a word or phrase; 'oh yes!' 'bollocks' etc.
5. Watching post-watershed tv
6. Applying -and actually believing- the '3 second rule'
7. Trying to slip the tooth-fairy quid under their pillow while kissing them goodnight, effectively prioritising 2 uninterrupted hours of sofa-based boozing over potential childhood disillusionment.
8. Lying and saying there's no spare AA batteries to replace those in your little darlings' 'My First electric violin'
9. Skipping large sections of their reading books while their still young enough not to notice