NEWSFLASH! - Coffee Addicts to be allowed to shoot up their caffeine fix

Coffee addicts will soon be able to shoot up their caffene fix as the coffee industry reacts to today’s Government proposals for a 25p surcharge on non-recyclable cups use at the likes of Café Nero, Costa, Starbucks and Jacqui’s Tea Room near Saddington Reservoir.

To avoid the need for cups, baristas will be equipped with foil, syringes, belts, bongs, pipes, Twin Peaks box sets and associated drugs paraphernalia with customer able to enjoy ‘Crackaccions’, ‘Café auuuuuuuu yaaaaayyy!’ and ‘8 ball espresso’.  Poorer customers will also be allowed to shoot up Maxwell House in the Disabled toilets.
“Allowing customers to shoot up caffeine is a necessary reaction to the frankly unworkable suggestion that consumers spend seconds every day cleaning and reusing recyclable cups” commented Martin Martin, Head of Denial and Obfuscation at ‘REaCt!’ an internationally respected PR agency based in Montrose…”If you are asking consumers to choose between this and contributing to the destruction of the Earth’s coral reefs – and 40% of our planet’s biodiversity – within 20 years there really is only one answer……….Och hang on can I do that bit again??”